Planet Of The Chickens

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chickens...and stuff

PART 1: enter the turkey;
She turned off the Peter Starstedt CD, she was thoroughly psyched now, ready for action if you will...
She wrapped the soiled headband around her cranium and pulled it tight. She sniffed the only reminder she had left, a few dirty feathers, inhaling the musty stench deeply.
They had taken Buck from her in the silence of a cool November night, but by god this late December eve, he was to be taken back, by any means necessary. She could handle her neighbour stealing her wheelie-bin. But someone taking Buck...god no.
She arrived at the enemy compound, slightly daunted by its sheer size. This colossal beast of steel and bolts, was to be infiltrated. Any slip-ups, and she and her beloved, would most certainly die.
She took a quick moment to reflect on the good times they had spent together, and adversity they had faced. No one, not even her family had understood how a girl and a rough-and-tumble chicken could fall so hopelessly in love. They just thought she was attracted to his badboy reputation and rugged good looks, that it was just a phase. But it wasn't. It was true and undying love and no amount of feathers and clawed feet could change that.
She dried her tears, she dismissed them as something for the weak, and tonight she couldn't afford to be weak.
She rummaged through her bag aided by her flashlight, pulled out a tub of black face paint, took off her gloves and placed her flashlight on the ground. She then proceeded to smear her face with this dark coloured goop, hoping it would be good camouflage. After all, it had been bought at her local newsagents, not the ideal store for espionage goods. Though she was sure some of the other colors could come in handy at some point, maybe she could dress up as a Red Indian for a fancy-dress, or something stupid like that.
She worked quickly, scaling the walls and fences, cutting any barbed or razor wire with a pair of shears she had found in the freshly painted shed from her back garden. Then she heard something she hadn't expected to hear...barking. She ran nimbly and hid behind a small hut-like building, but metal, probably used by a security guard during the day. Ready to sprint away from the dogs as they drew nearer, she soon realised it wasn't dogs at all. She stood up and feeling a little embarrassed peered round from corner, to find a fairly young boy slouched against the door of the hut, barking and laughing incessantly. "Hey!" he slurred as he noticed her, "I'm Gareth, can you help me home?" She would of liked to of helped, but she had more important matters at hand. She half-heartedly clawed through her pockets before throwing down a few pieces of loose change to the ground. "Thanks!!" he shouted after her as she darted onward.
She came to a door that entered into the main area of the building. After half an hour spent ramming, kicking, banging, and slashing with a gargantuan axe (an old birthday gift from an uncle) she felt defeated. The door was still not open. She slumped against it, slowly sliding downward when her sleeve caught on the handle. It opened. Success! Albeit in all its humiliating glory. She ventured in to find a guard sleeping. Best not to wake him she thought, before taking a blanket and wrapping it snuggly around him. Then she turned and tripped on the end of her baggy elephant cords. The guard awoke and she slowly fumbled to her feet, blushing. Before the guard could stop laughing, she took off one of her shoes, with heels god knows how many inches thick, and threw at his head. He went out like a light.

PART 2: finger lickin' ass kickin';
His keys were attached to his trousers, so she took them off, cut away the keys and the bit of material around them with the shears, and for whatever logic struck her crazed mind, flushed the trousers down a toilet in the nearest bathroom.
She sneaked up a corridor, unsure where it would lead her. She soon found out though, half a dozen pajama-clad ninjas swooped from the rafters and tried to restrain her. She fought desperately, frenziedly poking, biting, tickling, nipping and scrabbing all around. Quite wussy some would say, not her. She fled their clutches and bolted back across the yard. She was not alone however...a ferocious flock of turkeys gave chase, pecking at her heels viciously. You see, the turkeys were part of an organization trying to get people to eat chickens for Christmas instead, why their human counterparts had stolen Buck, and many other chickens. And so the plot thickens, good the way I built the suspense eh? Some thought I just thought of this now like...but I never, it was all planned. Anyway; she ran as if her life depended on it, it did. If she could just make it to the fences she would be home free. She searched through her bag as she ran, and threw behind her a container of oil...slightly inexplicable, but she had it nonetheless. Two of the turkeys at the front slid wildly, trying to regain balance on this slippery surface, they veered off, careening towards a wall before hitting it and exploding like a car wreck. Also inexplicable...but amusing. She glanced back to see another had been taken care of...Gareth was trying to mount one, asking for a piggy back...strange little boy.
She threw down a bag of feed, (hey, a girls gotta eat) another stopped. Four down one to go. She at last came to the fence but the turkey was too close for her to take the time to climb, it was now mono e mono, girl against turkey.
She was confused, scared, adrenaline hit. She took a branch from her bag, as you do, and mercilessly beat the turkey to a pulp. It now had a face like a smacked arse. She climbed the fence, leaving the compound. She would soon return, but for tonight, it was over.
She realised she would have to search the nearby forest for the one they called Ali. Ali had long since left modern society behind. Human contact repulsed her, the joyous screams of young children cut through her like a knife, randomers tormented her my ringing her phone and just laughing maniacally and it was the final straw when people mistook her purple her for being brown. She was drove insane and drove away. She now lived in a self-built cottage, gathering firewood and talking to the birds and squirrels.
After an hour or two of hunting our heroine found a small run-down shack. She knocked on the door and a young girl appeared. She told Ali of her troubles and after much persuasion Ali declined. After offering alcohol though, she quickly accepted. The pair made a plan, cunning and dastardly, Buck would surely be won back...
Three days later, the 2 set off to the compound. As they were strolling our heroine tripped over something misshapen but soft. It was that drunken fool from the compound again. "JEEZUS! WILL YA WATCH!?" she wailed...Gareth pissed himself. Then he passed out. The 2 continued their promenade before finally arriving. This was it, the big cahoona...

PART 3: attack of the mother-cluckers;
Our heroine explained how difficult it was to enter the main building as Ali browsed around, checking the surroundings. After much hmm-ing and ahh-ing from Ali she silently crept along the fencing, a bewildered chickenless girl followed, slightly baffled. Confusion turned to surprise as Ali whipped out a high-tech, state of the art gun type device...made of wood she had gathered. Ali grabbed our heroine by the waist, worrying her slightly. Ali watched her stunned face as she hoisted the gun and shot a hook on a steel rope at the building, mouth gaping as they flew into the air. Before she knew it, they were at the top of the building. They searched the roof before finding a small door. After it was kicked in, they tip-toed down the steps and until they reached a steel floor. They searched an office, nothing. A bathroom, nothing. A storeroom, nothing...well, an excess of rubber bands which they took...
They opened the last door in the corridor, and were completely amazed. They were at the top of a staircase and before them were thousand upon thousands of chickens, cooped up like sardines. The odour was ghastly...like sweaty kids who jump around. They clucked in tired unison, an eerie sound, ominous almost. That's when they felt the guns against their heads. Ali flipped around for a bit and kicked and stuff, y'know all that kung-fu cafaffle, but uh, was eventually captured. Our heroine screamed for Buck as she was dragged away, trailing like a corpse. They were thrown in a cell, with a tall ginger boy named Darren. He had a t-shirt with a horrible eye on it, and a hat. He told them he could get them out of here, they weren't convinced but pretended to be. They told him of Buck and the kidnap and asked what he was here for and he told them his story. I'd tell it too but can't be arsed. Use your imagination.
Anyway they pretended Ali was drowning in the toilet. A guard arrived to find a very unhappy Ali sitting in the bowl. He opened the cell door and as he pulled her out our heroine and Darren made a dash for it. The heroine failed to escape though, damn those cords. Darren ran on, elated at his freedom. The heroine and Ali were detained and as punishment had to sit in the bowl together.
After three hours Ali managed to cut through some of the bars with a cheese-grater, as I mentioned she liked cheese. Oh I didn't? Well she likes to collect cooking utensils then...
The guard, disturbed from his slumber went to "check out" the scene. The 2 beat him down with spatulas and spoons until he cried like a little girl. That's when they heard the siren go off.
"RUN!!" Ali yelled, and the pair ran like they were...runners. They turned a corner to see a legion of turkeys approaching them. The metallic corridor echoed with fucks and gobbles as the chase had began. They had pivoted and bolted in the opposite direction, the multitude of turkeys nipping at their heels. They turned another corner to find a glorious and hope-filled sight. Lead by Darren, a 1000-strong chicken army, clucking in synchronized out-rage.
The turkeys froze, petrified. It was a cataclysmic, apocalyptic, all-out poultry war.
They ripped each other apart; feathers flew, beaks pecked wildly, bodies' fell. Eyes were being gouged out with clawed feet, chickens and turkeys were flinging themselves at opposing birds and attacking until they or their opponent was dead, headless chickens were running around, blooding dripping from their scrawny necks. It was psychotic. Nothing like Ali or our heroine, or Darren, had ever seen. Then she saw him out of the corner of her eye...he was practically featherless, they'd tortured him...
"BUCK!! OH MY GOD, BUCK!!!!!" the heroine squealed in a mixture of delight and worry.
"Sian!?" Buck clucked, just as pleased.
That's right. It was Sian. Good surprise eh? Whooda thunkit? Oh you guessed did ya? I see...disappointing. Though I suppose who else could it of been. Still disappointing though...*sniffle* anyway...on with the story-
The two embraced, reunited at last. Tears streamed down her face.
"I got my Buck back!" she sobbed.
"Great..." Ali muttered drearily, "now lets blow this joint"...a cool line if ever there was one, baha!
The four fled, Buck under Sian's arm. The chickens retreated, following them. The battle was carried out to the compound, still going strong.
Darren paused for a moment...The others snappily shouted at him to hurry up. He told them how he didn't feel like he'd gotten revenge yet. He took a lighter from his pocked and set a few loose turkey feathers on the ground alight.
"Do you really want to do this?" Buck questioned.
"Sure! I do it to my friends all the time..." Darren answered nonchalantly.
Even though the building was metal, it somehow went on fire. And what a fire. The building was flaming like a BK whopper by the time it took them to get over the penultimate fence. Sian thanked Ali and Darren for their help. She told them that she had to go now though. They'd be after her. Then she gave them some handy decoration tips and reminded them to recycle regularly.
"K..." Ali uttered, a bit bewildered.

Sian and Buck arrived 5 weeks later at their new home, some rocks on the coast of Greece. It was ideal for their new life; private, isolated, sunny, and they had never been happier. They put down their luggage to settle down in the peace...

"COULD YA GIMME SOME MORE MONEY!?" a voice screamed from under a pile of small rocks...

jump! jump! don't this shit make a nigga wanna...