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Complete Shit. My Life, Part One.
The Story of The Chopper.
It was one of the coldest nights of my life, or so it seemed at the time, I was chilled to the bone, even with my multiple layers of clothing. "This is it", I remember thinking. "I'm going to freeze to death - literally!!!"
I considered heading on to bed, hitting the hay, if you will, but I knew that without a little "swatting" I would fail my computing test miserably. The radio was on as usual, all the chart toppers singing their souls out to will me to proceed with my studies, and proceed I did.
Eminem came on and needless to say I was delighted, delighted that is, until mathers and I were rudely interupted.
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I Dont Have All The Answers
"Interupted by who?" I hear you cry, and my answer is this, "I dont know" I dont know, and I will never know WHO interupted me trying to "lose myself in the music" at Eminem's suggestion.
The chopper had been there the night before too, I had been doing a little Home Ec. revision, I was so exhausted that night that I had fallen asleep regardless of the disruption at around 3am. But this, this was different. I was sure it hadnt been this loud the previous night, I was almost scared to look out my window for fear of seeing the pilot waving in at me! ahahaha!
I struggled on, and finally, at 3:30am all my revision was complete and it was high time to hop into the sack for a good nights kip!! |
If Only!!!
Not that simple though is it? We mustnt forget the helicopter with its whirring blades and choking engine drowning out the sound of Nelly and Kelly's Dilemma! "he's been up there for hours", I thought, "surely he'll run out of fuel soon".
As time dragged on I began to wonder if I was imagining the chopper, my mother certainly didnt seem to have noticed the noise polution and I had heard no one attempting to shoot it down all night. I realised that I would not escape the noise, as it was in my head, and all I could do was hope that a bit of shut eye would drum it out of me before sunrise.
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Later..
I drifted off some time after 4:30, I cannot be accurate as I didnt like to take my head out from under the pillow to check the time too much, if I couldnt hear it, it wasnt there, and I wasnt crazy. They call this stage "denial".
I dreamt I was chopped to pieces by the circling blades of the almighty chopper which had taken over my life, my studies, my thoughts and now, my dreams.
I woke to silence. Thank God it was all over, I was going to forget all about it and move on. I would tell no one for fear of being commited to a mental institute. It was all over. |
The Aftermath
Computer exam wasnt too bad, "at least 50% and all in one hour!" I remember thinking to myself as I sat there for the last hour, waiting for the other kids to catch up with me.
I slept until the late afternoon to make up for my sleepness nights and before long I felt on top of the world, and ready to face a chat with a few of my closest friends online!
Ali and I had been talking for a good hour or so, mainly about a 9 year old cripple who wrote poor quality poetry. [i will elaborate on this at a later stage]But also about other interesting trivia such as what our english teacher gets upto in her free time.
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Sharing Experiences
"On a totally separate note, have you heard the helicopter these past two nights?" I was shocked. First I felt I should deny it, she was trying to trick me into confessing all, but how could she possibly be onto my insanity? I was confused, and then I thought to myself "what if the chopper was a real chopper?" crazy I know, but it just seemed like the only possible answer.
A smile spread across my greasy face. I was sane. Joy.
We talked for a good 10 minutes about the helicopter. "Apparently theres been some trouble but I've not heard of no trouble, this is a quiet neighbourhood" she informed me when I asked what it was doing. "I've had no trouble cept from that flammin chopper!" I exclaimed.
The End. |
The Cripple
This is Luke. See him there? Smiling? Cheerful huh? That's because he's rich, filthy rich. In January, Luke will release his ninth book. His "Hopeweavings" book series has sold more than 22 million copies. "Wow he must be a child genius!" I hear you cry. But you'd be wrong.
Luke's not happy because he's made so much money selling his amazingly touching poetry. Luke's happy because he's conned thousands of people into buying his "work" and in doing so, has become a (filthy rich)sought-after talk-show guest and trusted friend of religious leaders and politicians alike.
Luke's not smiling at you, he's laughing at you. Infact, I have my suspicions that Luke's not even sick, he's just too lazy to walk.
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Moving Material
"As I'm reading one of the poems-I think it was 'Another Shiny Day'-I'm thinking, can't Luke just draw pictures for his fridge?" Nicholas Farmer said. "Or, better yet, not do anything artistic or spiritual at all, and just play video games? Am I just being a huge asshole? Probably."
What's Most Important?
The things that are important in life
Are not wealth and fame
But the sun peering through the clouds
Its light shining on flower petals
And warming a kitten's nose
Making everything beautiful
Because that is what God wants
For us to be happy.
The good intentions of Luke's poetry, coupled with his heartbreaking illness, make it difficult for Americans to recognize and acknowledge the poor quality of his work. The poems are fraught with saccharine sentimentality, slapdash mixed metaphors, and endless cliches involving rivers and the sun and for all the admiration Luke has won, an unsettling, unspoken sentiment has slowly spread among the American people. Though most will scarcely dare to admit it, the consensus is that young Luke's poetry is really, really bad.
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You Want Heartbreaking?
I'll Give You Heartbreaking
Lisa Lopes was born in 1971 and died in 2002. She was "the rapper" in TLC and she burnt a house down in 1994 whilst "burning sneakers in the tub". My point here, ladies and gentlemen, is this.
Lisa Lopes was also known as Left Eye, why? because she taped a condom to the left lense of her sunglasses to promote safe sex.
You want heartbreaking? Tionne and Chilli, the remaining band members released the 4th album without lopes as a tribute. Included in some copies were TLC condoms. Left eye died before she could see her face on a condom, and that, my friends, is heartbreaking
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Yo Yo Yo!!
My Secret Fetish Is Balloons!
When i get it on, i want to hear a pop.
Stomp on a few balloons, and i'll forget my name.
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The exhileration of the squeeze and the burst is so sexy that i just can't help
it.
So run out and find a clown, and i'll have the best
sex ever.
What's *Your* Secret Fetish? Click Here to Find Out!
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